The 12 Steps of Page Wanker Anonymous

Posted by Kimberly Bock on November 29, 2008

Urban Dictionary’s definition of “Page Wanker“:

A person suffering from type of mania caused by an irrational obsession with Google PageRank, often expressed by increased talkativeness and a fixation on the green slider bar within the Google toolbar.

The severity of PageWank becomes more prenounced as PageRank decreases. Sufferers (PageWankers) with a high PageRank 8-10 often show symtoms of euphoria (excessive happiness) and increased sex drive.

As PageRank decreases sufferers may experience mood swings, irritability, anger, and increasing hostility towards the internet finally leading to depression and uncontrollable crying as PageRank reaches 0?

So I’ve devised a new 12 Step Program for Page Wankeraholics to assist in their recovery plan…

The 12 Steps of Page Wankeraholics Anonymous:

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1. We admitted we were powerless over our obsession with checking page rank and that our blogs had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that Google is a power greater than ourselves and refuses to restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Google even though we do not understand it.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our blogs.
5. Admitted to Zaibatsu, to our SEO consultants, and to another blogger the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to learn SEO to remove all these defects of my blog.
7. Humbly asked Google Webmaster to remove our 404’s.
8. Made a list of all persons under the sun that may reciprocate link love and became willing to shine their shoes.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would prove that we have no idea what we’re talking about.
10. Continued to study our analytics and when we were slacking promptly flogged ourselves as we caught the red-eye on our “d*mn it how did this happen” flight.
11. Sought through every white paper, every research tool, and every one of our competitors pages , praying only for knowledge of how to get out of the rut we’re in and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other Page Wankeraholics, and to manifest our obsessions in other areas of our affairs.